Aenslaed
Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2004 4:05 am
Where do I begin? The tip of the iceberg of the mountain of problems I've been creating. Then realizing that a mistake isn't always just a mistake? But a damnable mistake is one never forgotten?
Where do I begin with all this. From the start perhaps? I had fun at the start.. believe it or not. Long time ago just before the 'core' bwc had left. Learned the ropes on how I understood rvr and the game mechanics. Then things changed. People left for other servers and maybe I'm wrong to say it, but BWC mostly collapsed.
So me being who I am, took the initiative to fill in whatever gaps left in the power structure to keep the guild afloat. But when you do that, you leave some of your preferences behind. You try to change things and how they work. Whatever you experienced good in the past you try to replicate.
And BWC kept moving along though nowhere near as robust.
Fast forward 7 months. TOA and all that out. No, backtrack like 3 months. Things had gone stagnant. The 'new adventures' were over. The 'did that' mentality was kicking in. Nothing had the first time thrill as when it used to. So I got restless. This is one of my flaws. If I can't keep things entertaining, I start thinking too much on the little things. I remember the first time I "quit" bwc. Over ormeld not knowing the difference between a cleric or a friar. Really stupid arguement. But what happened when I 'left', was that I didn't even think of myself as having left. It was a farce. A giant farce. There, I said it. I did it to prove a point, and it sure as hell set up a bad precident.
So now to ToA. I dont know what I was thinking. tensions were already building. little quirks became full blown problems. Source of it all was problably the most stupid but inevitable thing. I started butting heads with Celestrial. Lesson here was, why in gods name would you pick a fight with someone like that? Time spent to realize that? I dont think its fully sunk in all the ramifications and consequences of doing so.
And in addition to it. Having done what I think was a good job with keeping midgard afloat after 1.62 end/left axe nerf, I developed something else I can honestly say has been a monkey on my back. An over inflated sense of self worth, or a bloated ego in lamens. What does that result in? Throwing my weight around in a false sense of confidence. The result, well, today is one such result I suppose.
For what I did with this new found fault? My last few months would be a good indicator. Picking fights for the hell of it. Burning bridges that was so stupid into thinking I could do. And problalby the most notorious, challenging authority.
Like a negatively charged cloud, I rained it on the guild. Sometimes even consciously doing so. Given choice A for a positive outcome, I chose B cause "I could". Things even a fool would not say, I said it cause I could. What was I thinking? How does that song go? No more rainy days o/`
In a stew, when you put in a particularly flavoured item, no matter how small, it's favour seeps into the surrounding contents of the stew. This statement can be applied two ways. One could be the negative thoughts I had influencing the other thoughts turning that negative too till it was all negative, then getting progressively worse and worse. And another was the solution, remove the source of it and order is restored. I think that would be an accurate summation of what the power structure realized and did.
Do I disagree with their action. Not at all. I think that if I had to deal with someone such as myself, I would do the samething. Maybe kick them twice in the ass before they left.
But... is this what I wanted? Let me rephrase, did I be such an ass so I could be kicked out because of it?
I can think of a thousand sayings and a thousand anologies which would reflect on what I did. Its a lesson well learnt by others, but I'm problalby coming to grips with it right now. For a 20 yr old, I sure am a slow learner.
You dont know how good you've got it till you've lost it
Yelling I Quit after you've won the lottery
Shepherd to a misguided lamb
I spent these last 3 days, looking for what kept me in this game. Doing it entirely away from BWC. I tried Emjay/Ascendancy, I tried making my own, and I tried TDA. I didn't find anything. Didn't find anything remotely like what I was looking for. Instead, what I found, were some half truths, unwanted truths, and the consequences of the game I was playing.
I never really tought about what it was like to quit bwc. I would think alot about the 'what if I did this" or if this happened, then that would have instead. That kind of stuff. Looking forward, but forgetting to look at what you'd be leaving behind. How do I say this? I made a mistake? I was going to throw away the relationships and experiences, the friendships and the comradery, of almost one year for some light at the end of an imaginary tunnel I built in my own mind? Is a mistake even a strong enough term to describe it? Waxing poetic when I am emotional...
So here I am, realizing my mistake. For faces met, and friends to make. O'r the many moons have passed. Smiles and laughs, shared with this odd cast. So has passed the judging day. Laying wide the price to pay. Have mercy on this dumb fool, he is on his knees begging you.
I want to right the wrongs. So please, bring them to light. For I'm sure theres more than I can remember off the top of my mind, but none so insignificant as it aught be forgotten and no person be exempt.
Where do I begin with all this. From the start perhaps? I had fun at the start.. believe it or not. Long time ago just before the 'core' bwc had left. Learned the ropes on how I understood rvr and the game mechanics. Then things changed. People left for other servers and maybe I'm wrong to say it, but BWC mostly collapsed.
So me being who I am, took the initiative to fill in whatever gaps left in the power structure to keep the guild afloat. But when you do that, you leave some of your preferences behind. You try to change things and how they work. Whatever you experienced good in the past you try to replicate.
And BWC kept moving along though nowhere near as robust.
Fast forward 7 months. TOA and all that out. No, backtrack like 3 months. Things had gone stagnant. The 'new adventures' were over. The 'did that' mentality was kicking in. Nothing had the first time thrill as when it used to. So I got restless. This is one of my flaws. If I can't keep things entertaining, I start thinking too much on the little things. I remember the first time I "quit" bwc. Over ormeld not knowing the difference between a cleric or a friar. Really stupid arguement. But what happened when I 'left', was that I didn't even think of myself as having left. It was a farce. A giant farce. There, I said it. I did it to prove a point, and it sure as hell set up a bad precident.
So now to ToA. I dont know what I was thinking. tensions were already building. little quirks became full blown problems. Source of it all was problably the most stupid but inevitable thing. I started butting heads with Celestrial. Lesson here was, why in gods name would you pick a fight with someone like that? Time spent to realize that? I dont think its fully sunk in all the ramifications and consequences of doing so.
And in addition to it. Having done what I think was a good job with keeping midgard afloat after 1.62 end/left axe nerf, I developed something else I can honestly say has been a monkey on my back. An over inflated sense of self worth, or a bloated ego in lamens. What does that result in? Throwing my weight around in a false sense of confidence. The result, well, today is one such result I suppose.
For what I did with this new found fault? My last few months would be a good indicator. Picking fights for the hell of it. Burning bridges that was so stupid into thinking I could do. And problalby the most notorious, challenging authority.
Like a negatively charged cloud, I rained it on the guild. Sometimes even consciously doing so. Given choice A for a positive outcome, I chose B cause "I could". Things even a fool would not say, I said it cause I could. What was I thinking? How does that song go? No more rainy days o/`
In a stew, when you put in a particularly flavoured item, no matter how small, it's favour seeps into the surrounding contents of the stew. This statement can be applied two ways. One could be the negative thoughts I had influencing the other thoughts turning that negative too till it was all negative, then getting progressively worse and worse. And another was the solution, remove the source of it and order is restored. I think that would be an accurate summation of what the power structure realized and did.
Do I disagree with their action. Not at all. I think that if I had to deal with someone such as myself, I would do the samething. Maybe kick them twice in the ass before they left.
But... is this what I wanted? Let me rephrase, did I be such an ass so I could be kicked out because of it?
I can think of a thousand sayings and a thousand anologies which would reflect on what I did. Its a lesson well learnt by others, but I'm problalby coming to grips with it right now. For a 20 yr old, I sure am a slow learner.
You dont know how good you've got it till you've lost it
Yelling I Quit after you've won the lottery
Shepherd to a misguided lamb
I spent these last 3 days, looking for what kept me in this game. Doing it entirely away from BWC. I tried Emjay/Ascendancy, I tried making my own, and I tried TDA. I didn't find anything. Didn't find anything remotely like what I was looking for. Instead, what I found, were some half truths, unwanted truths, and the consequences of the game I was playing.
I never really tought about what it was like to quit bwc. I would think alot about the 'what if I did this" or if this happened, then that would have instead. That kind of stuff. Looking forward, but forgetting to look at what you'd be leaving behind. How do I say this? I made a mistake? I was going to throw away the relationships and experiences, the friendships and the comradery, of almost one year for some light at the end of an imaginary tunnel I built in my own mind? Is a mistake even a strong enough term to describe it? Waxing poetic when I am emotional...
So here I am, realizing my mistake. For faces met, and friends to make. O'r the many moons have passed. Smiles and laughs, shared with this odd cast. So has passed the judging day. Laying wide the price to pay. Have mercy on this dumb fool, he is on his knees begging you.
I want to right the wrongs. So please, bring them to light. For I'm sure theres more than I can remember off the top of my mind, but none so insignificant as it aught be forgotten and no person be exempt.
