Aenslaed

[Aenslaed Kasugano]

Where do I begin? The tip of the iceberg of the mountain of problems I've been creating. Then realizing that a mistake isn't always just a mistake? But a damnable mistake is one never forgotten?

Where do I begin with all this. From the start perhaps? I had fun at the start.. believe it or not. Long time ago just before the 'core' bwc had left. Learned the ropes on how I understood rvr and the game mechanics. Then things changed. People left for other servers and maybe I'm wrong to say it, but BWC mostly collapsed.

So me being who I am, took the initiative to fill in whatever gaps left in the power structure to keep the guild afloat. But when you do that, you leave some of your preferences behind. You try to change things and how they work. Whatever you experienced good in the past you try to replicate.

And BWC kept moving along though nowhere near as robust.

Fast forward 7 months. TOA and all that out. No, backtrack like 3 months. Things had gone stagnant. The 'new adventures' were over. The 'did that' mentality was kicking in. Nothing had the first time thrill as when it used to. So I got restless. This is one of my flaws. If I can't keep things entertaining, I start thinking too much on the little things. I remember the first time I "quit" bwc. Over ormeld not knowing the difference between a cleric or a friar. Really stupid arguement. But what happened when I 'left', was that I didn't even think of myself as having left. It was a farce. A giant farce. There, I said it. I did it to prove a point, and it sure as hell set up a bad precident.

So now to ToA. I dont know what I was thinking. tensions were already building. little quirks became full blown problems. Source of it all was problably the most stupid but inevitable thing. I started butting heads with Celestrial. Lesson here was, why in gods name would you pick a fight with someone like that? Time spent to realize that? I dont think its fully sunk in all the ramifications and consequences of doing so.

And in addition to it. Having done what I think was a good job with keeping midgard afloat after 1.62 end/left axe nerf, I developed something else I can honestly say has been a monkey on my back. An over inflated sense of self worth, or a bloated ego in lamens. What does that result in? Throwing my weight around in a false sense of confidence. The result, well, today is one such result I suppose.

For what I did with this new found fault? My last few months would be a good indicator. Picking fights for the hell of it. Burning bridges that was so stupid into thinking I could do. And problalby the most notorious, challenging authority.

Like a negatively charged cloud, I rained it on the guild. Sometimes even consciously doing so. Given choice A for a positive outcome, I chose B cause "I could". Things even a fool would not say, I said it cause I could. What was I thinking? How does that song go? No more rainy days o/`

In a stew, when you put in a particularly flavoured item, no matter how small, it's favour seeps into the surrounding contents of the stew. This statement can be applied two ways. One could be the negative thoughts I had influencing the other thoughts turning that negative too till it was all negative, then getting progressively worse and worse. And another was the solution, remove the source of it and order is restored. I think that would be an accurate summation of what the power structure realized and did.

Do I disagree with their action. Not at all. I think that if I had to deal with someone such as myself, I would do the samething. Maybe kick them twice in the ass before they left.

But... is this what I wanted? Let me rephrase, did I be such an ass so I could be kicked out because of it?

I can think of a thousand sayings and a thousand anologies which would reflect on what I did. Its a lesson well learnt by others, but I'm problalby coming to grips with it right now. For a 20 yr old, I sure am a slow learner.

You dont know how good you've got it till you've lost it
Yelling I Quit after you've won the lottery
Shepherd to a misguided lamb

I spent these last 3 days, looking for what kept me in this game. Doing it entirely away from BWC. I tried Emjay/Ascendancy, I tried making my own, and I tried TDA. I didn't find anything. Didn't find anything remotely like what I was looking for. Instead, what I found, were some half truths, unwanted truths, and the consequences of the game I was playing.

I never really tought about what it was like to quit bwc. I would think alot about the 'what if I did this" or if this happened, then that would have instead. That kind of stuff. Looking forward, but forgetting to look at what you'd be leaving behind. How do I say this? I made a mistake? I was going to throw away the relationships and experiences, the friendships and the comradery, of almost one year for some light at the end of an imaginary tunnel I built in my own mind? Is a mistake even a strong enough term to describe it? Waxing poetic when I am emotional...

So here I am, realizing my mistake. For faces met, and friends to make. O'r the many moons have passed. Smiles and laughs, shared with this odd cast. So has passed the judging day. Laying wide the price to pay. Have mercy on this dumb fool, he is on his knees begging you.

I want to right the wrongs. So please, bring them to light. For I'm sure theres more than I can remember off the top of my mind, but none so insignificant as it aught be forgotten and no person be exempt.

[Aenslaed Kasugano]

I guess I'll start with what was at the top of the list for most recent times. The lance people. I made my name when you were all gone. I put my proverbial blood sweat and tears into what I call a sinking ship. Then to find out that you were coming back. Complete with the way you were used to running things, ready to take back whatever roles you were used to before. Considering most of you couldn't even match my name to my character in game, I felt threatened. Everything I had done in the past would mean nothing to any of you. Hell, I would mean nothing to you. What was I supposed to do? All of you have your already established ring of friends, both the ones that followed to lance, and the ones who stayed here. I made friends with some of the ones who stayed, but when it came down to it, if given the ultimatum, well, the masses have spoken.

Philll. I know I spewed off at you the other day about Modernagrav and getting Mitzuki (Nese) into a group. I was flaming off at the wrong person. I was pissed off that one of my best in game friends was getting snubbed by a guild I was too busy hating in my own mind. Totally undeserved and totally tactless.

Winke. The backstory I suppose will have to do. I played my healer as my first serious rvr toon. I did good imo. But what happened, was that I felt constant criticism on my performance. No matter what I did as a healer, people always found something to criticise me about. And that behaviour was very selective towards me. Bad experiences is an insufficient way to put it. So I reacted poorly. My emotions clouded my judgement and I told you to "piss off" in exact terms. Would it be possible to take those words back?

Hall/Bugsi/Abysmal/other lance people present. I knew full well what I was doing. I was spitting in your faces for some stupid reason. The reason was that I didn't want to be ignored and unknown. Known for all the wrong reasons is what happened however. What can I say to make things right?

Celestrial. I see you as a rival. I should be seeing you as a friend. Always at ends, never agreeing. You told me a story about this once. It had a good ending. That gives me hope. Do you agree?

Snufulupagus. Dunno what to say. I got pissed when you didn't follow the 'scratch my back scratch your back' rule to pve. Maybe I shouldnt' have gone off on you.

Joshll. I think this problably originates from when I tried to set up a regular RvR group during the summer slump. Cripp, Yana and I were trying to get some thing to be excited in, going. And when we didn't win, frustration occurs and rash words are exchanged. I don't think the bad blood has ever really been addressed between either of us. Though I'm sure its origin is problably trivial.

Doramur. You are problably the one who felt my ego the most. Its experience that had told you that 40 mids couldn't beat 80 mids in a keep under 99% of the circumstances. So off goes my ego telling you that you were wrong. You were completely right to have said what you did, and I didn't respect that.

Thats all I can remember off the top of my head. If I have forgotten anything, or there is anything else I'm missing, please reply back...

[Farfar]

Heh this is why i spent 6 years learning english, 2 pages of "hard modern english"

Any way, (il say it in swedish)

En gång är ingen gång, men två gånger, är två gånger för mycket.


Farfar.

[Fardomar]

While I haven't played DAoC in a long time, I will say this.


I can't even imagine playing it without the people from BWC. They are the BEST. The day I joined this guild I knew I had done the right thing. I think Gundorf and Celestrial have to be the 2 best leaders I have ever played with.


I just wish WoW would come out already so I can get excited again about a game.

[Hall]

I dont know pretty much what to say. Although I can say that you have come to terms with what you have been doing. It takes a big person to know when they are in the wrong. And for that you get my kudos.

[Twystyd]

I have always had respect for Aens. The guy wears his heart on his sleeve but you always know where he is coming from for the most part.

[subshck3]

I'm not sure how the rest of the guild feels, I know I'm kinda new to the guild, but I will vouch to the time and dedication Aenslaed has put into guild from the first day I joined. I remember Aenslaed helping me get my first artifact and showing me how to do other ones too. And I'll be honest I did sometimes see bickering between guildies involving Aens, but it's to be expected, lot of that bickering came from trying new ToA shit and failing. And I think his post was genuine, he tries to actually address the issues. In closing, this is a plea to the officers to look at this post and reconsider his membership.


Subshack

[Bulor]

all i got to say is... aens you asshole give my my fucking sword!! i swear i fucking hate you!!

aens you just have to remember, BWC really is upper level gaming. taking things to the next level of entertainment.

hell i remember the first day i joined as my SB brail.. day1, 15 trebs holding off 200 albs at beno.. wtf!? i wasn't even in a group, i was a the targeting lazer and i loved it. i knew it was gonna change my world =)

in my guild before BWC, was SV(silent valor) small guild, but a helpful guild.. and i sort of went threw the same thing you did when the core went to lance.

in SV the core stoped playing the game, and left no one in charge.. so i took the helm, and keeped the guild alive.. and thus why djur was created.. becuase the guild lacked actived shamans, so i boted one up, and leveled the guild to 50 in the SI dungeon iarns lair.

then when we finally got a group of 50 going, i tried to lead them into RvR.. wasn't very succesful becuase we had such small small numbers.. finally the GMs returned.. and begain laying down new laws, (i was still not an officer of the guild.. just a member tyring to keep the ball rolling), what it came down to is, the gm came back, changed everything, demoted and removed ppl.. then quit the game.

long story short... i and 4 other sbs, 1 hunter, and 1 cel and 1 buffbot began taking down keeps in alb land alone.. we took 4 out before albs acted up. i knew form that point that i needed a rvr guild.. and looked towards BWC, and was welcomed with open arms. =)

my new home.

[barbos]

[Sirion]

<3 aens.

[killets]

don't worry aens, i'm just like you, except without the hindsight to apologize for all my mistakes and riled up drama.

owning up to things you regret doing is valiant of you, and you're a better person for it.

me, on the other hand, will always be a nobody to bwc in game, except a relentless board warrior who knows the real reason dwayne loves to be called assface. i think i'd make the same mistakes as you, and i'm happy you posted so that i got a reality check.




but to pre-emptively stop people from thinking, "hah, i knew he was a farce.. he doesn't know shit".. I know everything. I am never wrong.

[Twystyd]

except a relentless board warrior who knows the real reason dwayne loves to be called assface.

ROFL...now that is funny ~

[Aenslaed Kasugano]

Well, I got another second chance last night (one of my many unfortunately). Though this time I plan to make good on it. This thread is still open. You got beef with some grief I did to you in the past, bring it up. I beg you to. I want to start over, clean slate. That means answering for anything I have done wrong in the past.

Its no fun hating on others. Took me this long to figure that out.

[SuperHelix]

Welcome back.

[Joshll]

What was past is forgotten. No more apologies, explanations needed, or amends to be made. Fresh start.

Welcome back