http://vnboards.ign.com/Percival_(RP)/b20670/65890891/p1
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I may play on Galahad a lot now, but that doesn't mean I'm not your King anymore! Be amazed at the knowledge below, as I educate you all on a most facinating topic!
The Stinkeye Guide to DAoC – Gank Group Fever
As King of Everything I have a lot of responsibilities. As anyone who’s ever been a King can tell you, concubines don’t just impregnate themselves, nor do heads fall from the shoulders of those who stand against the throne, without a little Kingly involvement. My schedule is chock full of beheadings, grape feeding sessions and hot, steamy harem action, so much so that I now have to do all three at once if I want to get anything done! It was a little weird at first, but after a while you get used to the sight of bloody gore whilst having a hand full of grapes shoved down your throat as a dozen or so naked, well lubricated, goddesses slip and slide around your massive chest.
In any case, thanks to this new multitasking system, I have found the time to once again help the little guy (that would be you) out with some sage like advice on a subject that has been getting quite a bit of press lately.
I wear the crown in this relationship, and don't you forget it!
What is a Gank Group, Oh Mighty King?
I’m glad you asked, peasant. A Gank Group, or Gank Guild in some cases, is a collection of digital champions who have a tendency to cause a number of emotions in those around them. These feelings vary greatly among the populace, usually starting at scorn and ending somewhere near abject hatred. The reasons for this are largely unknown, but studies tend towards the idea that Gank Group members are usually, right bastards.
A Gank Group consists of several key elements that when combined allows them to rise above the common odour of the other stinky RvR’ers, into the incredible stench that their kind are renowned for. These elements are vital when it comes to being successful as a Gank Group, and missing just one alone will demote your crew of super humans to mere peasantry on the battlefield. Allow me to make things easy for your simple, simian like minds, by describing in detail what these elements are:
The Five Elements of Gank Group Zen
Element 1: Server Selection
Before you can pwn it up on the virtual battlefield (Hereon known as ‘Emain’), you need to choose which server’s Emain you’re going to pwn it up on. Choosing an Emain can be tough, because even though there are many different Emains out there, not all of them are going to give you the conditions that you will need to thrive. For example, if you choose an Emain that is populated by competent players, you are going to find yourself eating more dirt than dishing it. If on the other hand you can find a server where the inhabitants are only just capable of getting to Emain, and once there have no idea on how to get back and as a result run around in circles screaming for aid, then brother, you’ve found the Emain you’re looking for!
Element 2: Realm Selection
The next thing you need to sort out is the realm you’re going to play in your new Emain. Firstly, you need to select the most powerful realm of the time. Not necessarily in numbers mind you, just in classes and abilities. There are two ways to do this:
1) Head to that server’s VN board and have a read through the nerf and whine posts. After a few hours of this bittersweet exercise you’ll have a pretty good idea of what classes are most broken, and in all likelihood an inoperable tumour of the eyes to boot! The next step after chemotherapy is a simple matter of logic for which the formula goes:
IF Realm A > Broken Classes THAN Realm B THEN Realm A = Win ELSE Realm B = Win
2)Play in Midgard.
Element 3: Group Makeup
This is one of the most vital steps in the Zen of uber gankage. You can’t always rely on skill and cunning to get you the masses of pwn points you’re destined to achieve, and you more than likely don’t have those to begin with! Indeed, you’re going to need the perfect group to carry you to the dizzying heights of Gank Group Mountain! There’s only one sure fire way to make sure you get that right: Fill up on as many broken ass classes as you can find, and lie cheat and steal your way through as many uber item raids you can attend. Anything with stealth that can’t run at speed 5 should be excluded by the way as a rule.
It sounds like a low act. It sounds as though you’re foregoing your realm mates to further your position as masters of the server. And in everyway it is. But quite frankly, who gives a toss about those jack offs as long as they aren’t stealing your pwn points! This is a business after all!
Ha! Stupid noobs.
Element 4: Attitude
The general attitude of your group or guild is of great importance. You must act superior, aloof, and quite frankly as rude as possible, if you want to ensure that those around you know that you’re better than them. You’re not here to chat with the vermin! You’re not here to role-play an Elven warrior who uses two scimitars and is practically unstoppable due to a haunted past! Hells bells, man, you’re here to get points on the board, and woe to those who have the nerve to speak in your direction! HA!
As a matter of fact there is only one type of person that you should be even more disrespectful to than the scum from other guilds, and that’s your own guild members! You see it’s like the army. If a soldier makes a mistake, you don’t buy the guy flowers! You don’t pat him on the back and congratulate him for being retarded! In all likelihood you’ve got a hole where your face used to be thanks to this moron! The correct response is to haze that worthless son of a bitch until his eyeballs bleed! You take away his dignity, his self-esteem, and most of all, his claims of heterosexuality! Dumb n00b f4g ain’t messin’ with your ownage! Tell the guy that he’s a screw up and warn him he’ll be out on his ass the second he breaks another mez! Repeat this step twice a day for three weeks, and don’t forget to post something about on the Server Forums.
Element 5: A Name to Pwn By
We now come to the final, and without doubt, most important ingredient in the Gank Group Goulash. Naming your guild must be done under the strictest of rules, or you’re never going to fit in down at the Gank Group Gentlemen’s Club, if they let you through the door at all. There are only three rules when you name a Gank Group, and although they are simple, great care should be taken to ensure that they’re followed to the letter:
Rule 1: Guild name must contain ONE (1) WORD ONLY.
Rule 2: Said word must sound cool to somebody who is beginning to notice hair in strange places.
Rule 3: Name must have absolutely no reference to anything of relevance, not even as a joke.
Pretty simple, right? You just need to choose one word from the dictionary, and you don’t even need to spell it correctly! As a matter of fact, you can just invent words! So long as it has nothing at all to do with anything and sounds kinda cool, you’re golden. Just in case you’re still not following me, I have provided some examples below:
Bludorz
Gastrointensity
Cognitive
Gravitox
Felching
Gluemaster
Retardoez
See? Easy as pie.
Another Gank Group gets it's wings. Congratulations 'Killaboxorz'!
Oh Mighty Lord! What Makes a Gank Group Tick?
There is only one thing that is important to a Gank Group. One thing that drives them. One thing that binds them! It is not realm points, nor is it love of the realm or it’s peoples. The one thing to rule them all in this case is simple. Bullies.
Your average Gank Group super champ extremo is a very different animal when they’re not online. That kid you pushed over in the cafeteria the other day causing him to be covered head to toe with jelly and that brown, unidentifiable stuff that seems to grow while you eat it? Why, that’s Leeto McNastyPants, mighty Enchanter of Revengenox! That guy who had his pants pulled down in front of the Girls Soccer team? Hell, you’ve just encountered Killox Bloodreaver, the immensely powerful savage from Explodicon! You don’t even want to know who’s lunch money paid for that hotdog you’re shovelling into your enormous face right now, but if I were you, I’d be looking for a plastic surgeon! Stat!
It’s a double life. On one hand, they’re horribly mistreated, little turds, whose only crime was to be born annoying, small and possibly intelligent. On the other, they are horribly mistreated, little turds, with the ability to shove so many flavour of the month classes up your poop chute that Underhill Allies will be coming out of your mouth for a month. This is their way of expressing their anger. This is their way of getting revenge for all of the wedgies and matchsticks they’ve had over the years. This is their way of screwing the head cheerleader on top of the Super Bowl trophy whilst signing autographs for hyperactive, Japanese schoolgirls!
This is the Gank Group online persona...
Our Group is Ready King of Kings! What Now?
So you’ve lied, cheated and stolen your way to level 50 and you’re loaded out the yin yang with uber gear. You’ve all dyed your armour and cloaks the same colour, and offended enough of the populace to be considered truly worthy of the Gank Group title. There is only one step left and that is the utter devastation of the enemy followed by the incalculable amount of rude emotes that Gank Groups are known for.
First things first you need to understand your place on the field. You are not their to take keeps, or resurrect the fallen, nor is your responsibility to come to the rescue of some pack of mutants who believed they could hold the wall with 2 nightshades and a champion. Your primary and only goal, is to make pwnpoints as quickly as possible, because that’s how you get chicks. There are several ways of doing this, the most obvious is to be a talented group of players, but I’m guessing that the majority of you peasants are neither physically nor mentally capable of reaching that level of button pushing. Don’t fret though, little ones, for I have prepared for you a list of the most common No Talent Gank Group tactics, with explanations that even George Bush could comprehend, though not repeat orally. Enjoy.
Tactic 1 – The Human Shield
One of the favoured methods of the No Talent Gank Group (NTGG) is the use of cannon fodder. Cannon fodder by the way is comprised of anyone not in-group. Essentially this involves the use of the main RvR force to take the full brunt of the enemy’s attack and then sweeping in like the cavalry to wipe out the weakened invaders. The downside of this method is that you will be forced to share your pwnpoints with other players, and sharing is not a trait you should be known for. The upside is that the enemy will have very little chance to stop you, as they will be engaged upon your lovely little human shields.
As a secondary benefit you’ll be considered heroes by those you just fed to the lions after covering them in lion pheromones and chocolate sprinkles (Lions love chocolate, as seen in the Paddle Pop Lion ad’s), which of course will only last until you run off leaving them dead and stranded. That’s IF you’re doing your job properly of course, which for your sake I hope is the case.
Tactic 2 – Gatehouse Fireworks
Above every mile wall is a small room known as a Gatehouse. There is nothing in there to indicate what it is supposed to be used for, and considering that the gates are never actually locked, I can only assume it’s purpose is to store the homeless. This little room is a great place to earn pwnpoints if you are one of those exploding type groups (which you should be anyway). If you’re somewhat nasally tolerant, or the smell of urine and hobo’s appeals to you, then I strongly suggest this method.
The way it works is this. You stand in there and wait for the enemy to arrive. They will see you, and try to get inside to kill you. That’s when you and the rest of your circle jerk of fun begin to explode, thus earning lost of pwnpoints. Considering that there are only two ways in, and that the room is very small, and that the average intelligence of your chosen server’s population is somewhere between sand and concrete, you should find this method lucrative to say the least. It also beats all that running around using strategy crap by miles.
Tactic 3 – Cheat!
When all else fails, cheat. I mean why not? What’s Mythic done to stop it? Get out your radar, your speed hacks, your wallhacks, your AWP, your line of buffbots, and get stuck into it. As long as you don’t get caught, and the odds of that happening are very slim, you’ll find your time in Emain far more efficient and save hours of searching for morons to kill. Forget all that ‘thinking like the enemy’ rubbish. Forget all that manoeuvre and flanking claptrap! Just radar yourself to the enemy at warp speed 9, pass through the mile wall like Casper the homoerotic ghost, and lag your self into exploding position! It’s easier, faster and from all indications totally ok if done with discretion.
...and this is the reality of it.
A Kingly Conclusion
By now you should be well on your way to both stardom and infamy. If you’ve done everything correctly you should have attained Rank 5 on your first outing and have your name appear in the ignore lists of at least half the server. I sincerely hope this guide has helped to get you to attain your digital goals, just as I hope you are thrown into a trash can tomorrow at school and then beaten with sticks.
- fin
Great read man.